Life Out/In the Valley

Here’s the question: do I buy food, or do I get my phone reconnected on the off chance that someone actually calls me back about a job application (for the first time in over a year)?

>borrows money from grandma for groceries
>about to go shopping
>realize phone just got cut off
>phone bill is $15 more than the amount I borrowed

Fuck my life

Well, tonight was interesting. I think my dad finally hit rock bottom. Got his second dui of the year today, then showed up at my grandma’s pissed out his skull and bleeding from where he wiped out on the walk over. Now he’s in the hospital.

And now I need to work on homework because I have a shit ton to do and it’s all due soon.

FML.

The awkward moment when my grandma uses mental health care as a threat to try to force me to “get [my] act together.”

Because, y’know, it’s not like I’ve been trying or anything. And of course I love to hear my family talk like being diagnosed with a mental illness is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone.

If I could afford therapy myself, I probably wouldn’t give a shit, but it’s always great when my family reminds me that I’m better off not asking them for help (even when I could reeaaally use it).

So, I passed out before 10, woke up just past 2 from a fucked-up dream (well, all my dreams are weird as fuck, but this really hit a lot of bad spots). I’m now wide awake, and it’s 3:17 am.

Fuck.

Hey brain? It’d be really awesome if you’d let me sleep at some point tonight. Think you could manage that? What if I said please?

Apparently not even tumblr’s servers want to listen to my whining [eta- turns out it my connection was fubar and refused to refresh]… Fuck dysphoria. Guess it’s back to my frantic search for T that’s actually available in my area without a prescription. And, y’know, preferably without requiring me to give up eating for the rest of the month to afford it.

… This would be so much easier if I weren’t such a chickenshit.

Recovering from 7 days of laying tile and vinyl flooring for the best tattooist in the area… Still coughing up chunks of mortar, but otherwise I’m feeling pretty damn good about this job. =)

I’ll miss you grandpa…

Still no updates about my grandpa… I’ve been going on the idea that no news is good news, but if I don’t hear something from someone soon, I’m going to start screaming.